How to make your husband leave you

The week before Thanksgiving this past year, I saw an article in one of my favorite magazines about an amazing Dr. Oz  3 day cleanse. It said: Eliminate harmful toxins, restore your system, and reset your body with this detox cleanse from Dr. Oz. All you need is 3 days, a blender and $16 a day!

I was all like, Yes, I want to rid my body of dirty toxins. Please restore and reset my system. I have a blender, three days is nothing. I spend $16 bucks for lunch sometimes – WOW, I’m gonna do this!

But, I knew I couldn’t do it alone…So I enlisted my bff and forced my husband to do it too. I’m not gonna be miserable and starve to death all by my self.

I also figured this would be a great way to totally clean out our guts in preparation for the gorge that is our thanksgiving meal.

Here is the plan.4_055_3DayDetox

Now I suppose if you had some of this stuff on hand, it would easily end up costing about $16 a day. Since this was for 2 people it should have been somewhere around $100 for this 3 day diet.

I went to Hy-Vee (cause they have a health market and I knew I could find all the stuff on my list there.) and started filling my cart with basically the entire produce section. Because this is winter in north central Iowa you can imagine  the quality of the produce was somewhere between rotten/wilted or not near ripe and old (shipped from south american months ago). It costs $56  just for the blueberries and strawberries, for 12 cups of kale it was $11 .

I was shocked when I checked out, the total was $346 and I only had 7 sacks (most of which will go bad in like three hours). But I was determined to feel great and be healthy.

I told Jim how amazing he was going to feel and left out how much I spent at the store.

The next morning I pulled out the blender from its top shelf hiding place and started jamming it full. I was a little taken back when I realized that you leave the peel on the fruits and veg (you can peel the sticker off though). I also remembered that I couldn’t have coffee. I soldiered on, mixed up the am shake and served it up with a smile.197104_4984254127053_1796817476_n

The tea was blah and the shake tasted gross. After “breakfast” I had to floss 40 millions seeds and bits of pulp from my teeth.

I waited to feel more energized but with out my coffee I was draggin.

Lunch was approaching and good thing too because I was hungry.

I’m really trying to be positive but the color and smell is not that appetizing. Jim was in better spirits because he’s sure that lunch will be much better than breakfast and he already feels thinner.

552458_4989078247653_1747816350_n

Lunch was hard to swallow. We used spoons to eat it. The taste was somewhere between fresh mowed grass from a pet owners yard and an Angora sweater sprayed with jovan musk for men.

I called my bff almost on the hour to see if she was as miserable as we were.

I did feel good after I removed all the celery strings from my bicuspids. I even went for a brisk walk. When I got home however I found myself cold, depressed and hungry.

For dinner I made the kids some chicken nuggets but I wasn’t tempted to sneak one. I kept pep talking to myself, “you can do anything for three days” right?

Mine and Jim’s dinner was the most interesting shake yet. With the dash of cayenne pepper and the mango it was spicy and had the consistency of mucus.

579160_4981630781471_2075736318_n

I had to hold my nose and chug it. I almost lost it twice and then I cried. Jim urged me to go take the detox bath and said he would clean up the dishes (probably so he could lick the girls plates clean).

The bath felt good but the house and my skin smelled like I was a hippie trying to cover up cannabis odor. I went straight to bed (hungry), so that I wouldn’t cheat…

14277_4984256647116_560560881_n

The next morning I woke up with a dull headache (caffeine withdrawal no doubt) and found Jim sipping tea all prim and proper. He had (of course) lost 5 pounds (in one day). Yes, he spent a good majority of the day in the bathroom but still men lose like nobody’s business.

Feeling hopeful I weighed and (you guessed it) had gained a pound. I begrudgingly blended another cup full of sludge and and drank it down.

It’s interesting how when I’m not able to eat whatever I want, I lose the will to live. I didn’t know this about myself, scary.

When Jim came home for lunch he begged me not to make him a shake and said he “wanted out”. I talked him away from the fridge and told him “we can do anything for 3 days”. We have both been on an emotional roller coaster the last 24 hours but have managed not to hit rock bottom at the same time and hence lift one another’s spirits as needed. Mostly with discussions regarding what our first real, hot meal will consist of when this hell diet is over.

I decided that instead of blending lunch we would just eat it (peel and all).

559219_4990058832167_1020933192_n

This offering took me almost 4 hours to get down. My jaw was tired and my disposition worse. I cursed Dr. Oz and Oprah for introducing him to the world. I called everyone in my cell phone contacts and told them how I was suffering…

What I’m starting to learn is that the food we eat really is a fuel to keep ourselves running and not just for taste, enjoyment and as an emotional crutch. About an hour before it was time to drink another shake I would feel my blood sugar lower, I was fatigued and grouchy. But shortly after not enjoying another shake, I would be in a good mood (not cold) and feeling like doing something.

That evening while Jim was taking his detox bath (probably the only bath he has ever taken in our married life), I snuck into the bathroom to put some clean towels away. He looked like he was smashed into a coffin. I said, “how’s it going?” He replied, “What am I supposed to do in here?” A nice hot soak is lost on him.

The last and final morning as I handed Jim his breakfast shake he said he would rather eat something and throw it up than to drink this vomit in a cup. I reminded him of how fat he is and sent him on his way.

We lasted until the evening of the third day. We agreed that we could not stand the spicy mucus dinner shake and instead made a dozen scrambled eggs and ate them from the pan.

The next morning the scale happily declared that Jim was down 12 and that I had lost 3.  We hugged and then agreed to never do anything like this “cleanse” again.

Honestly, Amy

7 thoughts on “How to make your husband leave you

  1. Pingback: Friday Faves – Amy’s top 22 of 2013 | thesisterslice

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s