grim, bleak – barren

This blogging is a strange thing. I think I am going to talk about one thing and it turns into something totally different. My family is about to celebrate one wonderful year with our little Eli. I wanted you to know the path we took to get here-This is a bit dark, but don’t worry! It all works out in the end!

In December of ’09, I was having my 10th miscarriage. My 3 year old was in surgery and the doc called me to come in right away for an ultrasound, my HCG was not progressing, it was New Years Eve and a blizzard was on the way. When Noah got out of recovery we packed him up, (Jonah was with my Mom in Davenport) and raced to the office before it closed early for the holiday. The ultrasound tech turned the sound down right away and the screen away from me….I knew….she switched it to a thermo view and I saw a warm uterus with a cold, still pocket in the middle. I was 13 weeks….I thought I was in the clear. I suffered every possible side effect and poor outcome, 2 months later had surgery for a retained placenta. The Ob/Gyn that fixed me told me my uterus was broke…no more babies….

Have you ever noticed that when things really hurt or go wrong…people say the DUMBEST things?! I heard “be happy with what you have” and “maybe this is God’s way of telling you to stop”…Erik and I started late in our 30’s…I felt like I had been robbed. I didn’t feel done.

We moved to Wisconsin that summer. I saw a new doctor, this one with like six degrees, a few of those in fertility. She fixed some of what was broken (‘secondary infertility’, she called it)–but we lost another baby. She had a few ideas as to why–but the hard part is never knowing.

I gave up–enough was enough! Miscarriage is really a private pain–nobody really gets it….

I spent the next spring in my Garden! Have you ever yelled to God in your mind and not even realized it? I was there with my hands in the naked dirt–planting seeds and screaming in my head…”You are barren, Miss Barrenbob McBarrenpants” “You can’t grow a baby, what makes you think you can grow a tomato?” “Why can’t I have something the easy way” …I planted my seedling and walked away–doubting the magic.

Garden Tomato

Garden Tomato (Photo credit: gundamwing4132)

Fast forward just a few weeks…I go to the Dr…I am pregnant! There are 3 follicles. I WAS AFRAID! Fear of hoping, Fear of believing, Fear of losing, FEAR OF 3 BABIES!!!

We were doing nothing to make this happen (aside for the obvious)–That is when it started–“the aged mother lecture” I would get this soft-spoken, doomsday speech almost weekly for the next 34 weeks. “When a woman reaches your age she tends to shed more and unhealthy eggs” We do blood work and more ultrasounds and I take this voodoo anti-miscarriage cocktail of progesterone, baby aspirin and folic acid. 2 follicles cease to develop…1 turns to a yolk sac, then a little heartbeat. No one is really positive–I am afraid to hope. Every morning when I wake I say to my old belly–“well, you are still here, we’ve got today”. I start to get sick, bleeds in my placenta, I am old, I am tired…to be continued….

Sincerely, Sara


5 thoughts on “grim, bleak – barren

  1. Good grief…..don’t leave us hanging. It’s nice to know there is a big ol baby boy at the end if the story. Btw…I was telling my husband about your fall last night. You girls need to be more careful…we the readers want to keep enjoying your blog. Prayers and love to you from kansas. Ps I had one miscarriage before brody and that 1 was so heartbreaking and hard. Thanks for sharing your story with us

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