I try and pretend that I’m not but I am. It’s never been so obvious as it is now that I have a broken ankle and been hobbling around for the last 8 weeks. I had surgery a week ago on the same ankle and will now be off of it for another 6 weeks. I’ve been spending a good deal of time feeling sorry for myself. If you missed the post about how I broke it – here it is again, enjoy! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it
I’ve been mean and irritable to the few poor souls tasked with helping me. These, the only ones willing to bring me coffee, get a kleenex and wipe the baby’s nose, drive me to and from Dr.’s appointments.
I’m a monster, an ungrateful monster.
Not having full use of the limbs or body parts to function and navigate through your life and day is unbelievably hard. Depressing even. Initially is sounds wonderful, lying around, icing your area, watching your shows, being waited on, but it’s not. If your proud like me you shy away from some offers of good Christian people wanting to help you. I really don’t want anyone folding my clean briefs or scrubbing up the bathroom, it’s too embarrassing. I know – I’m the only one with a hairy, dirty bathroom and plus size drawers. Accepting food from people and having it taste not like yours. Taking pain meds that helps the burning, aching throbbing but in exchange make you sweat like a construction worker in august, have bad dreams like the matrix and make me a bipolar mess (constipated too).
Since last March when my oldest had her third open heart surgery I had taken up walking. It was great for my mood, overall sense of being and I lost 50 lbs doing it. Now that this ankle has stopped me from walking I’m one outburst away from an in patient stay.
When the primary care giver becomes the dependant one, things go down hill fast. I have a friend that lost a leg in her late teens. She married, delivered 4 children and raised them up to adulthood. I’m not saying it was easy but I’m telling you she did it. She’s also got a great sense of humor, purpose and Love for JC (the Lord).
I’ve learned a lot about my self these last few months. Not in a narcissistic sort of way but in a “what lesson am I supposed to be learning God?” sort of way. Maybe it wasn’t an accident but an opportunity, a glimpse, a chance to work on my self before I ruin the ones I’m raising.
This ankle will heal in time, I won’t always be unable to use and bare weight on my other limb (like my friend). I do feel like Daniel Day-Lewis sometimes but tomorrow is another day to heal, to learn, to be patient, to grow…
Am I alone in this? What circumstances has God brought into your life that have stopped you on your merry way? How did you handle it? How did you cope?